One Minute

There was exactly 1 minute between the time this picture was taken (12:34:06):

And this picture was taken (12:35:07):

 

But I can not express to you the range of emotions that past through my body, ripping into my soul, in those 60 seconds.  You see, Tori was standing right next to me when I turned to try and snap a picture of my grandson Noel (who if you can't tell from the picture was far more interested in breaking his stick than looking at me) and when I turned around, she was no longer there....OK, you say, what's the big deal....well the big deal is this....

 

  

 

We were playing by the river and it was MUDDY and MURKY and the current was running....in the span of less than 60 seconds (believe me it took me more than a second to compose myself once we finally spotted her up the bank on a trail) all I could imagine was my baby being swept away, her gasping for breath, her little body slamming into the pylons that support the nearby bridge, her body being carried downstream and ending up in the Ohio River to never be found. There was no way for me to see her in the water, it was far too muddy. How I would ever be able to live with myself?  I would never hold her in my arms again!  In those 60 seconds that I couldn't find her and I screamed at her siblings and anyone and everyone in the river or on the banks to look for her, my mind raced.  I can't even describe the images my mind saw.  My oldest son and his girlfriend scanned the shore, spotting her a ways up river, on the trail, just waving at us. I hear Sarah say "I see her, there she is."  I didn't realize until the moment how scary it is to have a child with hearing loss, who doesn't respond verbally to her name, who can't help you find her.  She knew where she was, from the smile on her face, she wasn't worried, but the panic that engulfed every ounce of my being can't be put into words.  My fear of the water morphed itself into a new fear, a realization that I am now parenting a child that can't help me find her, especially when she isn't aware that I am looking for her.

Girlfriend is bound and determined to make me gray....